Sirs (and Airmen) --

I have finished my classes, renounced my spiritual adviser, and broken up with my pretend girlfriend--I will pause so you may take it all in. I must say I was disappointed by Airman Voss's tasteless comments involving the origins of two upstanding young men. However, as a man of high conscience, I will not stoop to his level and disclose to you the obscure acts of questionable legality that I recently conferred upon his--now engaged--little sister, nor will I mention the photographic evidence I just placed in the mail, addressed to her fiance, which will undoubtedly destroy their engagement. And I certainly won't discuss the recent late night trip I made to Jacksonville, making the most of Beth's sleeping state and then, yes, even Mr. VanCleve's (during which I discovered from Mr. Matt's night terrors that it appears he spent much of his underclassmen days as a gimp in the basement of the Sig Ep house--it seems his presidency was hard-won...). Now that we are all that much closer, I must confess I have absolutely nothing of substance to say other than to congratulate Mr. Voss's written declaration, to wish Mr. VanCleve a good end to his semester, and to say cheers to our mute friend, young Mr. Hillis. And yes, Mr., I'm sorry, Senior Airman, I'm watching The Octagon and taking notes.